in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize