im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
