either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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