Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
