Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
