Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
