This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
