my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
