Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
