I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
