I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize