Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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