so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I need to sanitize my soul.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
