I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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