why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
