when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
