Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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