K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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