theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
