Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize