So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
