I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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