You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
