woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
