does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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