i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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