He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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