it was like having sex with a tree stump
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
This is classic penis vs brain.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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