please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
