Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
