Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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