I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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