and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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