i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
