I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
