I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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