What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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