o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize