dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
