Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
