Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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