after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
