my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
a search helicopter?!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
