Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
