I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
