please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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