the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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