there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
