I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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