I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
