I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
