no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
