hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
