If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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