if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Houston, we have a blender
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
