my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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