Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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