he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
