i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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