If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
