i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
