I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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