im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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