Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
