What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
